Small miracles

Having a new baby comes with an adjustment period and having Andrew has been no exception. Andrew was about a month old. I was having a particularly hard day, trying to adjust to little sleep and still knowing I needed to take care of the rest of my family. Jonathan was working late and I was trying to cook dinner and hold Andrew at the same time. About this time my front door opens and it is my mom and my step dad. She comes in, sees my predicament and takes my baby from me so that I could finish cooking dinner and get some laundry done. She sat and loved on him for a good hour.

Now, the small miracle in this isn't so much the act of thoughtfulness on my mom's part, it was an answer to my sadness that I had been feeling. My mom hasn't been able to be present mentally and physically in our lives for awhile since her Dementia has gotten worse. She has good days but lately more bad days than good. For the most part, all my siblings have accepted this and have helped where we can. But, I had been having a longing to just have my mom present for just a bit. I needed help and was feeling sad knowing that she is not someone that I can access for help. So, for her to just show up out of the blue with no warning was literally a miracle. This just doesn't happen.

As I folded laundry upstairs, I said a prayer of gratitude for a small miracle that I needed at that moment. I am grateful to a Heavenly Father who is aware of my needs even if I don't ask for help. I am also grateful that my mom came that evening. I know I am not going to be getting very many more days and evenings like I had with her that night.

Andrew's birth story part 3

Normally, waiting 45 minutes to cut the placenta is not dangerous. But, in my case with the placenta still being attached to me, it continued to pump blood into Andrew for to long. It gave him to much blood.I found out from a nurse later that usually after a baby takes his first breath it signals the placenta to stop pumping blood. In my case it did not.
The EMT's arrived and I remember thinking so many different things. "Was my baby going to be okay?" "This is not how this was supposed to happen. I am supposed to be going home in a few hours to my house. I just did the hardest thing that I have ever done and I am not going to the hospital." Also, it is sort of silly now but I did not want all these strange men to come in. I was not dressed. I was embarrassed for them to see me like this. But, I think the hardest part for me was when they told me that the baby could not ride with me in the ambulance. They were taking him in his own ambulance so they could work on him separately. I cried and cried. He was not even an hour old yet and they wanted to take him away. Jonathan told me that he would not leave him. He would stay with him the entire time. That gave me a bit of comfort. I found out later that the head EMT told Jonathan that it was against policy to allow him to ride in the back of the ambulance. But, another EMT told Jonathan to forget policy and that he could ride in the back with our son. I am grateful for a kind act like this in such a stressful time.
While I was in the ambulance, they hooked me up to another IV, a heart monitor and oxygen. At the time I really thought this was all overkill. I felt the same I had felt after giving birth to my other children. I was tired and weak and wanted to sleep. I would close my eyes and than the questions would start coming. He wanted to keep me talking and I was annoyed. I just wanted to sleep. I remember that he asked me my name 5 times and all I could think of was "why can't he remember my name?"
So we get to the hospital and they take me straight up to labor and delivery. But, they could not get the bleeding to stop and they could not get the placenta to detach. A doctor came in and thought that it was just a stubborn placenta and started to push really hard on my stomach while trying to pull the placenta. It was so painful. I was screaming in pain for him to stop. It was worse than the labor I had just gone through. He said "if I can't get it to detach than we will have to put you under and take it." I told him to do that. It ended up being a big blessing that it didn't come off on its own. I had what was called placenta accreta. This is where the placenta has an abnormally deep attachment to the uterine wall. If he would have been able to detach my placenta it would have ripped out part of my uterus and caused all kinds of problems. Of course we did not find any of this out until he actually put me under. When I woke up, I was back in my room. I was getting a blood transfusion. I found out later that I had lost a total of 3200cc of blood which was about half of my blood volume.
In the meantime Andrew was up in NICU. They were trying to help him breath better and they also had to drain some of his blood out of his body. The doctor told Jonathan that this was very dangerous as his blood could become to thick and cause a stroke.They were also worried of infections so they started him on antibiotics.
All I wanted to do was get up there and feed him and hold him. It was just killing me to be separated from him. I ended up not being able to go see him until about 7:00 that night. He was hooked up to so many wires. There were two coming out of his belly button. A heart monitor, a breathing monitor and blood pressure monitor. I could barely hold him and I just wanted to cry. But, I was so very grateful that he was safe, that for the most part we were both safe.
One of the questions that I get asked is would I do things differently if I knew all of this ahead of time? Would I have given birth in a hospital instead of a birthing center? I probably would have chosen differently but, my labor and delivery were exactly what I wanted. I did not want all the complications afterwards but, everything else was just as I had imagined.

Andrew's birth story part 2

We arrived at the birthing center at a bit after 6 in the morning. I was so glad that I had gone into labor on my own and that I would be able to have the baby there. It was so nice to be able to put on my soft meditation music, diffuse some essential oils in the air and most of all not being hooked up to anything. I could move in any position I liked. The student midwife would come and check the baby's heart rate hourly to make sure everything was okay with him but other than that there was very little intervention. At around 9:30 things started to change. I started into transition labor. I remember telling Jonathan at this point that if I had access to an epidural I would take it. I remember also feeling and thinking thoughts I had never had before. I started praying fervently for help. I wanted to be able to do this but I knew I needed some divine intervention. About this time as the contractions were at their worst, I heard a voice that said "Melanie look at the contractions as a bolt of electricity coming through the top of your head, going down through your body and out your cervix. Don't hold it in. Let it go out your cervix." I remember thinking that is a great idea because before, I could feel myself holding onto the contraction instead of letting it go. I also had some other profound thoughts more around Christ and the atonement. I thought " I am in so much agony right now and I am doing it for this little one. I just can't imagine what Christ went through for me." I had gone to a place that I had never been before. I had experienced pain like never before and it really helped me gain a greater appreciation for my Savior and what he must have gone through.
About this time I started feeling a great urge to bear down. They checked me and I was at an 8. They suggested that I get in the tub that it would help relax me and if I could rock back and forth it would help me to dilate faster. Well, that was absolutely true. About 10 minutes later I felt the absolute most overwhelming feeling to push. It wasn't something I had ever experienced before. I couldn't do anything but just push. Even when she told me to wait so she could check me, I couldn't. I literally could not wait. I was still in the tub and had pushed Andrew's head out but they told me not to stand up until we got the rest of him out. So, Andrew was born in a big jacuzzi tub. I was able to grab him an hold him on my chest for about 20 minutes. He was born at 10:38 But, he was having problems breathing. He was struggling for breath. So they took me out of the tub and we went back to the bed. It was a bit scary for me as I was still holding him and saw his struggle. As we were in the bed, they were trying to detach my placenta without any luck. I didn't think much of it as all my attention was on my baby. All of the sudden the midwives got serious and said they needed to hook me up to an IV because I wouldn't stop bleeding and they needed to get some Meds in me. So they gave me pitocin with no luck. They tried a few other things and than the next words were "call an ambulance I can't get the bleeding to stop." They also had forgotten to cut the umbilical cord. So, Andrew was still receiving blood from the placenta. because it was still attached to me.

Andrew's birth story part 1

I was lying in bed on Sunday January 27th talking over my day with Jonathan. We always love Sundays. It seems like a day of renewal and new starts. We were discussing Aubrey and her due date as it was just 2 days away and she was so anxious to have her baby. Jonathan made the comment to me that he told Aubrey that whoever's baby is born first will be the better baby. I laughed at that thinking that of course her baby would be born first.
As I was nodding off to sleep, I felt my water break. My first thought was "you have got to be kidding me! I still have 3 weeks left. I am not ready for this and that somehow Jonathan's remark had caused this." So I woke Jonathan up and called my midwives to let them know. I learned with Adalyn that it is better to let my contractions get a pattern before going in. I was having no contractions at all. So, I went to sleep.
I went and visited my midwives the next day and I was at a 3 but their were still no contractions. They suggested a few ways to get contractions going with one of them being castor oil. Oh! I hate castor oil. So I told them I would let that be my last resort. They informed me that if I hadn't started good contraction by 9:00 that evening that I wouldn't be able to use the birthing center. Because of their policy, 24 hours is all they would allow a woman to go without some type of intervention. So I really wanted to give birth at the birthing center. I could have much more control over my labor and how things were going to turn out. So, at around 4:00 I took the castor oil. Aubrey had this brilliant idea to put the castor oil in veggie caplets so I wouldn't have to taste it. The only downside to that was in order to get 2 full ozs. we had to fill about 30 caplets. So we did that. I was completely waterlogged after taking 30 caplets of castor oil. At around 8:00 there were no signs that the castor oil had even worked. All that work to not have to taste the castor oil and it didn't give us any results. I was sorely disappointed. I had just lost 4 hours of time. So, Jonathan and I went and walked the mall. We walked and walked until I was so exhausted. It did bring on contractions but they weren't heavy or regular. I was frustrated at this point. By this time, it was 9:00 and I called the midwives to tell them. They told me that they would give me until 9:00 in the morning but if nothing happens, to just go straight to the hospital and check myself in.
After realizing the castor oil needs to be swallowed directly, I decided to do that instead. So, Aubrey put it into some Dr. Pepper and I drank it like that. It took a good 10 minutes of constant encouragement to be able to do it. That stuff is nasty. She also held a bottle of peppermint for me to sniff afterwards so I wouldn't have to smell it. She was such a great help.
Feeling very discouraged, I went to bed. Around 1:30 in the morning the castor oil hit and did its job. My contractions started hard and intense around 2:30. I timed them until around 5:00 and called the midwives. They asked if I could wait and come in at 6:00 as they were at the birthing facility in Murray. They needed to get to Orem. So, I woke Jonathan up and I got all my stuff together. We left around 5:30 in a nice snowstorm. It was still surreal to me that we were having a baby. I felt like I needed those 3 extra weeks to prepare mentally. Plus, Aubrey's baby was supposed to come first.

Yes, It was planned

This is the question I get most of all when people find out I am pregnant. I know this is a legitimate question because of my age and all the other things that have transpired at the same time, such as Aubrey being pregnant also. I have put off writing this post because of the sacredness of the experience I am about to share. But, have felt like I need to share these things.
After I had Haylee, I was very content with my four children. I had two girls and two boys. I felt like I could be done and be absolutely happy. When Haylee turned 3, both Jonathan and I felt that we needed to pray about our decision to make things permanent.
So we both prayed about it together. At this time, I was given a very special experience. Nothing like this has happened to me before or since. I was told in my mind that we were not done that we still have a son waiting to join our family.It was not something that I can even describe. It was a feeling that filled my whole body not so much words but feelings and a complete understanding that this little boy needed to join our family.
So, Jonathan and I wanted to be obedient and we did what we could to obey. It took me a long time to get pregnant which is not like me at all. Almost 3 years went by since I had received that very special witness. I wondered if I would ever get pregnant. But, I never questioned the witness that was given to me that I was to have another child.
When I became pregnant with my 5th child, we were excited. We had waited a long time for this to happen.I just knew this was my little boy. When we went in for the ultrasound and they told me I was having a little girl, I was stunned. I called for another ultrasound tech to come and give me a second opinion. The wind had been knocked out of my sails. I was happy with four. I was willing to do 5 because that is what the Lord wanted. So to find out I was having a girl was very confusing to me.I love my babies but DO NOT like being pregnant. It is so hard on my body. It is hard on me mentally, emotionally, physically. At the time I pretty much told the Lord that he missed his chance to allow that baby boy to come to our family and that if he wanted him to come it would have to be another way.(I know counseling the Lord is not a good idea.I am just glad he is patient with me.)
So we had Adalyn and she has brought us so much joy and happiness. I am so thankful she is part of our family. She is my girl with tons of personality.
Well, life went on. Aubrey got married and I was still counseling the Lord. My prayers would go like this.Okay, Lord you want me to have a boy than you have got to figure out another way to bring him to our family because I am to old to be pregnant and I don't like it. My prayers than changed to Lord I am not going to get off birth control so if you want me to be pregnant, you have got to figure a way around that.( yes, I was trying to bargain with God.)
All I can say is that the Lord puts people in our lives to help us make the right decisions, even if those decisions are hard ones. So my sweet sister who already knew this whole story came to me and told me to think of that sweet spirit who wants a body. In the long grand scheme of things, this small sacrifice to choose to become pregnant is very small.Now, I say choose here because it still had to be my choice. The Lord has given me free agency and it needed to be my choice. I knew she was right.
So, on Halloween of 2011 I went and had my IUD pulled. That was a big decision for me. But, I knew it was right. 7 months later I still was not pregnant.I have really got to admit that I had been relieved for all these months.
Than one Sunday at the end of May, we were all sitting around the dinner table and Aubrey announced to all of us that she was pregnant. I was very excited for her but, my next thought was maybe our little boy was reassigned to Aubrey and Alex. I told Jonathan that I would not be pregnant with my child and I was going to make an appointment with the doctor to get my IUD put back in. Well, two days later I found out I was pregnant also. We are both having little boys in February.
I have gone through so many emotions with this pregnancy. I get all kinds of comments from lots of different people. Some of them good, some of them not. I have just tried to remember that My Heavenly Father's will is not always what I thought I wanted but he knows best. I have fully put my trust in the Lord and allowed my will to be swallowed up in his.
I already love this little boy so very much. He is what will complete my family. I am very excited to meet him.

3 of each

So it looks like we are making things even here, 3 boys and 3 girls. But, I have known this little boy has wanted to come to this family for many years now. Anyway, I am excited to meet him. Plus, he will have a nephew as soon as he is born. Aubrey is also having a boy. Babies, babies everywhere. Now, the hard part is coming up with a name that we like.

Adalyn's drawing

Adalyn drew this picture on the shower door this morning. She spends more time drawing pictures than actually bathing. It is so cute. She said "this is a picture of mommy and my baby brother in your tummy."
Can you tell?

Conversation with Adalyn

Adalyn says some of the funniest things. This was today's funny conversation.
"Adalyn you need to stop crying. Stop acting like a pill."
"Mom I can not peel. I am not a banana."
These kind of things come out of her mouth on a daily basis. She is great!

Adalyn starts preschool

My baby has started preschool. She loves it!! She comes home everyday and talks about it for hours and sings the new songs she has learned all day long..

Father of the Bride 2

This movie describes our life over the past year. We have taken on new roles that we have never done before. We had become In-laws and now our newest role that we get to have is that of grandparents.. Aubrey is due the beginning of February. We are excited but, I must admit the idea of that role has been a bit hard to accept. I sure don't feel like I can be called Grandma yet. Hmmm.. Any suggestions on different names that won't make me feel so old? Now to reference the movie again this is what we will both look like in a few months.

Yes! I am also pregnant and due 2 weeks after Aubrey. All I can say is WOW! I will be an old Mama and a young grandmother. Heaven help me!!!

Meet Fynn

This is the newest member of our family, well for the year anyway. He is our foreign exchange student from Germany. He will stay with us until June. So far it has been really great having him. He has fit into the family nicely. So, if you want to brush up on your German, come for a visit.

An Epiphany for me

I am trying to find joy in my daily life, in my mundane routines of being a mother. It doesn't change much for me. There is always dishes that need to be done, laundry that needs to be folded. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner. I go grocery shopping and pick up after kids and clean bathrooms. But, in my reading today I came across a scripture that helped change some of my perspective, for today atleast.
I have read this scripture many times but today it has different meaning for me.
It is Alma 32:37-39
37 And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.
38 But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out.
39 Now, this is not because the seed was not good, neither is it because the fruit thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your aground is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree, therefore ye cannot have the fruit thereof.

I thought of this in a different way today. I thought of this in how I am raising my children. This is what I am doing for my children everytime I obey the commandments like having prayer with them, reading scriptures, praising them, discussing gospel topics. I am nourishing their tree and helping the roots grow deeply and that it takes work and part of that is the mundane everyday tasks.
The rewards of my faith is to see all my children with me in the Celestial kingdom. That is my greatest joy. I think I have a glimpse of what my father in heaven might see and feel.

Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments

Do you ever find something that is life changing,something like a book or an article or even a person? Well, I found that in an article by Jeffery R. Holland called "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments." I learned things I never thought of before. I learned new ways to be able to teach the children I have been entrusted with and I was directed to this article by my sweet daughter Aubrey. There are so many good things in this, so many.
i loved this quote.
‎"It has been declared in the solemn word of
revelation, that the spirit and the body constitute
the soul of man; and, therefore, we should look
upon this body as something that shall endure in
the resurrected state, beyond the grave,
something to be kept pure and holy. Be not afraid
of soiling its hands; be not afraid of scars that
may come to it if won in earnest effort, or [won]
in honest fight, but beware of scars that disfigure,
that have come to you in places where you ought
not have gone, that have befallen you in
unworthy undertakings [pursued where you
ought not have been]; beware of the wounds of
battles in which you have been fighting on the
wrong side." [Talmage, CR, October 1913, p. 117]

Family Pictures

It has been quite a few years since we have had decent family pictures. I think the last time Haylee was 4 years old and we had one of Devin's friends take the picture. HAHA.

Well, Aubrey and Alex came for a visit and I was going to try my hardest to get family pictures done. The day we chose was supposed to be a nice day. Well, it wasn't. The wind was blowing hard and it was 40 degrees outside. But, we chose to do it anyway. For the most part it was fine, except Adalyn wanted nothing to do with smiling or getting her picture taken. She kept saying "I'm COLD!!" So, I said I would be happy if we got one good one. Well, here is the result. Hopefully we can try again when the weather warms up and Aubrey comes for another visit.







Adalyn refused to get in the picture. She just wanted me to hold her. So, all my kids except for her. oh well!

If you can call it a job

At the end of December I got the best part time job ever. This is my job description.
1. Love Basketball, especially the Utah Jazz.
2. Help get the crowd excited during time outs and at half time.
3. Be willing to act crazy and have fun.
4. Be able to run up and down the stairs in the arena to give out free merchandise.
This is basically the job description. So, I get paid to watch the Jazz play basketball. This is the best job ever!!! I absolutely LOVE it..
The only downside to it is ugly uniforms..

sometimes

Sometimes life feels very lonely. Sometimes I am tired of putting on the face that everything is great when it is not. It is hard not feeling like I have any real friends, nobody that I feel like I can share my problems with, without feeling like I am burdening them.It's hard living in a place for a year and a half and not feeling included in my ward and neighborhood. I feel like I have really tried. But, there is the dang clique. Do adults really have cliques? This has been a hard transition, one that we have prayed about and felt good about but, it has been so hard!! I am trying, trying , trying but today I am tired... Tired of so many things. But, to even say them aloud or in writing brings on tremendous guilt because I shouldn't feel tired of being a mother or wife or babysitter or whatever hat I put on for the day. But, I am... Today I am tired of all these things and just want to stop... Sometimes I wish I could just stop.

My greatest accomplishments are sometimes my greatest sorrows.

As my kids are getting older and taking on new roles for themselves, I really have had much contemplation on my greatest role as being their mother. I have sorrow for my older ones as they have been my lab rats in the sense that everything was practiced on them first. I find myself a much better and patient mother to my younger ones than I was to my older ones. I am grateful for repentance and forgiveness, as I try and become better today than I was yesterday. My greatest joys and sorrows have been because of my wonderful and beautiful children.
I wonder what I can do better today than I did yesterday? I feel so much that they have got to be valiant and strong and so do I as their mother. They are being raised in enemy territory with so much of the world pulling at them. I need to make my home a place of refuge and peace. Sometimes that is hard but I have got to be willing to do better daily.
I came across some amazing quotes that I would love to share. They have really helped me have the desire to do better and not get so down on myself when my children choose to go astray.

"Let the father and mother, who are members of this Church and Kingdom, take a righteous course, and strive with all their might never to do a wrong, but to do good all their lives; if they have one child or one hundred children, if they conduct themselves towards them as they should, binding them to the Lord by their faith and prayers, I care not where those children go, they are bound up to their parents by an everlasting tie, and no power of earth or hell can separate them from their parents in eternity; they will return again to the fountain from whence they sprang."
(Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, 11:215)

Another one that I really liked.
A successful parent is one who has loved, one who has sacrificed, and one who
has cared for, taught, and ministered to the needs of a child. If you have done all of these and your child is still wayward or troublesome or worldly, it could well be that you are, nevertheless, a successful parent. Perhaps there are children who have come into the world that would challenge any set of parents under any set of circumstances. Likewise, perhaps there are others who would bless the lives of, and be a joy to, almost any father or mother. My concern today is that there are parents who may be pronouncing harsh judgments upon themselves and may be allowing these feelings to destroy their lives, when in fact they have done their best and should continue in faith. (Howard W. Hunter, Conference Report, October 1983)

I hope to do better, be better and rely on the Holy Ghost to help me be the best parent I can be.

My husband

I was reading a blog of a man who lost his wife a few months ago. He was going on about all the things that his wife did that he never realized until she was gone. It made me realize how truly grateful I am for my husband and I wanted to write it down.
Can I just say I am one blessed woman. I have a really good husband. I am spending forever with a man I still get butterflies with when I see him. I enjoy spending my time with him, talking to him about my triumphs and my sorrows. He is a righteous man who honors his priesthood. He is a great father who tries to teach by example. We have grown together in so many ways. I just love him! I am thankful for the advice and wisdom he shares with me to help me become a better person. I understand the wisdom in the counsel the Lord gives to cleave unto your spouse and none else. This year we celebrate 20 years of marriage. I know that is just a drop in the bucket of time that we have together. He is my best friend.

this affected me greatly today

I was reading 2 Nephi chapter 4 and it really affected me greatly. Oh my! What an amazing chapter this is. I so can identify with Nephi's feelings here. He is upset because of the weakness of his flesh and giving into sin and temptation. I had such feelings of sadness as I read this because I feel the same way lots of times. I have such a desire to do good but allow my human side to get in the way. I have listed in my mind many things that I want to work on to be better but fall short and I don't do them.
I want to be better at making sure our family is reading our scriptures. I want to be better at exercising. I want to be better about not speaking bad about people who I have chosen to be offended by or thinking bad about them too. I have a great desire to do better and be better. My actions affect so many more people than just myself. I have just got to try and do better today and take it one day at a time.
I love how Nephi says "Awake my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice O my heart and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation."
Those scriptures bring me great peace. It brings hope to me.

Aubrey's married

So, I have crossed one of those big moments in my life, I am now a mother in law. I've got to confess that when I first found out that Aubrey was engaged, there were a few temper tantrums on my part. I really went through the process of he is not good enough for her. She needs to wait a few more years and so on.
But, I am thankful to say that I am happy she is happy. Does that sound cliche? It is true though. It is fun to watch them start their new married life together, to remember some of my own experiences through theirs.

This life is ever changing and I am thankful for the constant learning that each new phase of my life presents.