Thursday, November 29, 2012

Yes, It was planned

This is the question I get most of all when people find out I am pregnant. I know this is a legitimate question because of my age and all the other things that have transpired at the same time, such as Aubrey being pregnant also. I have put off writing this post because of the sacredness of the experience I am about to share. But, have felt like I need to share these things.
After I had Haylee, I was very content with my four children. I had two girls and two boys. I felt like I could be done and be absolutely happy. When Haylee turned 3, both Jonathan and I felt that we needed to pray about our decision to make things permanent.
So we both prayed about it together. At this time, I was given a very special experience. Nothing like this has happened to me before or since. I was told in my mind that we were not done that we still have a son waiting to join our family.It was not something that I can even describe. It was a feeling that filled my whole body not so much words but feelings and a complete understanding that this little boy needed to join our family.
So, Jonathan and I wanted to be obedient and we did what we could to obey. It took me a long time to get pregnant which is not like me at all. Almost 3 years went by since I had received that very special witness. I wondered if I would ever get pregnant. But, I never questioned the witness that was given to me that I was to have another child.
When I became pregnant with my 5th child, we were excited. We had waited a long time for this to happen.I just knew this was my little boy. When we went in for the ultrasound and they told me I was having a little girl, I was stunned. I called for another ultrasound tech to come and give me a second opinion. The wind had been knocked out of my sails. I was happy with four. I was willing to do 5 because that is what the Lord wanted. So to find out I was having a girl was very confusing to me.I love my babies but DO NOT like being pregnant. It is so hard on my body. It is hard on me mentally, emotionally, physically. At the time I pretty much told the Lord that he missed his chance to allow that baby boy to come to our family and that if he wanted him to come it would have to be another way.(I know counseling the Lord is not a good idea.I am just glad he is patient with me.)
So we had Adalyn and she has brought us so much joy and happiness. I am so thankful she is part of our family. She is my girl with tons of personality.
Well, life went on. Aubrey got married and I was still counseling the Lord. My prayers would go like this.Okay, Lord you want me to have a boy than you have got to figure out another way to bring him to our family because I am to old to be pregnant and I don't like it. My prayers than changed to Lord I am not going to get off birth control so if you want me to be pregnant, you have got to figure a way around that.( yes, I was trying to bargain with God.)
All I can say is that the Lord puts people in our lives to help us make the right decisions, even if those decisions are hard ones. So my sweet sister who already knew this whole story came to me and told me to think of that sweet spirit who wants a body. In the long grand scheme of things, this small sacrifice to choose to become pregnant is very small.Now, I say choose here because it still had to be my choice. The Lord has given me free agency and it needed to be my choice. I knew she was right.
So, on Halloween of 2011 I went and had my IUD pulled. That was a big decision for me. But, I knew it was right. 7 months later I still was not pregnant.I have really got to admit that I had been relieved for all these months.
Than one Sunday at the end of May, we were all sitting around the dinner table and Aubrey announced to all of us that she was pregnant. I was very excited for her but, my next thought was maybe our little boy was reassigned to Aubrey and Alex. I told Jonathan that I would not be pregnant with my child and I was going to make an appointment with the doctor to get my IUD put back in. Well, two days later I found out I was pregnant also. We are both having little boys in February.
I have gone through so many emotions with this pregnancy. I get all kinds of comments from lots of different people. Some of them good, some of them not. I have just tried to remember that My Heavenly Father's will is not always what I thought I wanted but he knows best. I have fully put my trust in the Lord and allowed my will to be swallowed up in his.
I already love this little boy so very much. He is what will complete my family. I am very excited to meet him.


Carmen said...

Thank you for sharing! What an amazing experience. I am sure your little boy will be so grateful that you made the choice you did. Plus, you aren't THAT old. If you lived in LA there would be tonz of people around you, the same age and older having their first :)!

Heather said...

You are my hero!

Jen and Allen said...

Thanks for sharing that special experience with us. You are such a good mom and I am excited for you to have a new baby in your home soon. Dont let others get you down you are awesome.

Suzy said...

Thanks for sharing this, Melanie. For me, the decision to open things up to having this sixth baby that I am carrying was also an initially difficult, but sacred experience, and I am glad that you played a small part in how that came about. We had always had a feeling that six was the right number of children for us, but my own struggles with mental illness gave everyone plenty of reasons to question just how wise having more children would be for me. Pregnancy itself has never been particularly difficult for me, but I delayed taking medication that I needed for years because I was afraid of the risks that taking the medication while pregnant might cause, and adjusting to the stress and added work of taking care of a new baby can be hard on anyone. I followed my dream of having more children and had Ana, working closely with my doctors on the medication concerns, and for a while we felt like our family was complete. I thought that the miscarriage that I had had years ago might have been meant to be that sixth child we had always felt would be part of our family, and even if I never saw that child in this life, I clung to the hope that I might still have another one in the eternities. At 39, I had made the decision to sort through and get rid of most of the baby clothes in the basement, and then I found out about you Jonathan having your sixth child, despite whatever concerns you might have about age (you are a bit younger than I am, just like Jared is younger than me, but Jonathan and I are the same.) Knowing how genuinely happy I was to hear your wonderful news opened that little door in my heart that I had thought was closed, and gave me a powerful dose of hope that perhaps we might be meant to have our sixth child in this life, too. It helped me realize that despite my fears and concerns, THAT was what I really wanted to happen, and it helped open that all important discussion with Jared that established that he still might want another child, too. "Father of the Bride II" is such a great film to watch if you are trying to put your concerns about being an "older" Mommy in perspective. We started out trying to take things slow, but once we were both sure that this was the right decision, it all went pretty quickly. That little seed of hope and faith just grew and grew once it started getting a bit of nourishment, and our little girl grabbed the first opportunity we gave her to come into this world. Maybe she was afraid we would change our minds if we thought about it too long. I'm glad she's on her way, though. I just wish that the finishing the basement project were a bit further along. I'm glad that you are enjoying having your little one with you now.