sad news.....

Well, I write something and than I erase it. Then, I do it again. I am not sure how to say this or what exactly to say.

I went to the doctor today because of some complications that I have been having over the weekend. So, they scheduled an ultrasound for me today. I hate that. The tech does the ultrasound and than she keeps the monitor close to her and I ask her "is everything ok?" But, the only answer I get is " I want to let the radiologist look at this. I will be back in a minute." then she is gone for like ten minutes. When she comes back she says "your doctor is on the phone." That is not good.

Well, I have what is called a blighted ovum. This is what it is.....A blighted ovum is a common cause of early pregnancy loss. It occurs when a fertilized egg develops a placenta and membrane but no embryo. An ultrasound will show an empty gestational sac. Blighted ovum is often due to chromosomal abnormalities in the fertilized egg.

I am very sad. I do not know if I want to even think about trying again..

Bound to happen

So, Haylee and I were sitting eating lunch today and she stops eating and looks at me and says "mom how did you get pregnant anyway." I could of just spit my food everywhere. She is only four.  Why is she asking those kinds of questions?  Jerin,  who is nine, hasn't asked me those kind of questions yet. So, not quite knowing how to answer it for a 4 year old to understand, I said  "well first you have to have a husband and than he helps you get pregnant." that was my explanation of it. Okay! lame... I know. I was caught off guard. I should have already had it worked out in my mind, but I didn't. I mean last week she asked "how is the baby going to come out? " My great answer to that was "the doctor is going to help." She had no further questions. So how much do I share with a 4 year old?  I guess I should prepare for what is next... the only problem is, what is that going to be?

Human Life balance sheet

So, things in life have not been running as smoothly as I would like them too. Life at times seems very unbearable. So, how do I get better at this? How do I look at what is going on around me and say "what can I learn from this" because lately all I have been saying is "when will this end."

So, how do I find a balance of serving and being served. A wise person told us to look at life on a balance sheet, sort of like we do with our finances. Are we being served more than we are serving? Are we serving and serving but not allowing others to serve us? Are we taking more than we are giving?

This life sometimes feels so overwhelming. I feel there is so much that I have got to learn and there is no time to screw up because I have 4 children that count on me and my sanity. So, I will be glad when the only question that I ask is "what can I learn from this?"

Was it a Bear?

So, last month I get a phone call from a neighbor asking if I heard about the Bear. I had been watching the news and a story came on about a bear that was seen in the vicinity of Springville high school, which is about a block away from my house. So, I told him "yes I had heard the story on the news." He precedes to tell me that the bear was 2 houses away from mine and to make sure that I do not let Haylee out unsupervised and to bring my dog inside until they catch it. Well, they never caught it.

So, a few nights ago, I was sleeping in my room and I was awakened to a loud shuffling noise on my deck outside my room. I have 2 lounge chairs that were being pushed into my glass doors that lead to my room. I was just praying that they were locked and would not open. I kept thinking "either it is a stupid burglar or something else." I was hoping it was just a deer. We get deer often in our yard, so I hoped that was what it was. I did not dare get out of my bed to check just in case it was the bear. I just knew if the bear saw me, that glass would not do a whole lot to prevent it from coming in and eating me.

Of course this was a night that Jonathan fell asleep in the front room. So, I will never know what was on my deck and that is fine with me...

Halloween Party Fun!!

On Saturday night, we went to my cousin Amy's house and had a fun Halloween party. I am not one who usually dresses up. In fact, this is probably as Halloween as I get..... a cowgirl.... but, Jonathan has finally gone back to his original roots.. He felt so at home in this get up. I think he had a hard time going back to a shirt and tie for work.
We all had a great time with family.


Jonathan the Cholo and Melanie the cowgirl


Summer and I look a like and think a like too!!


Jonathan and L have a stare down


Amy makes a cute Little Bo Peep

cravings and conversation

So, I have been craving the Pork salad from cafe rio lately. I mean I really have forgotten what it is like to be pregnant. Because this is not just yummm!!! that sounds so good right now.. It is I want one RIGHT NOW!!!!! So, no matter what I am doing I will make the 20 minute drive to cafe rio, which really is alright because when I call ahead that is how long it usually takes to get it ready. So, I took my third trip this week to Cafe Rio earlier today. Haylee is getting the routine down well. But, since we have about an hour in the car together, we have some interesting conversations... They go something like this

"mom, there is the temple... Why do we get married in the temple?"

" So we can be together forever."

" If you and dad are going to be together forever shouldn't you get along and want to be together? "

or something like this "mom when is this baby going to come out?"

"Well, it will come in June, close to Aubrey's birthday."

" When I get married forever, I want to have lots of kids.."

"Really, how many do you want to have?"

" I want to have a million."

"WOW! that is alot of kids."

" really?, well than maybe I will just have 7."

I love her so much... She is such my sweet little girl and my intellectual conversation for the day. It is times like this that I think " Ya!! We get to do this again.." Oh! and I do love my husband very much and really want to be together forever. But, leave it to a child to let me know that I must do better......

Really, another one?

So, I guess the best way to announce this is in a blog, right? Well, the Bond family will once again be growing... I am pregnant and due June 8th. I am feeling very mixed emotionally about this... I am happy and apprehensive too. Haylee will be 5 and a half when this baby comes into the world. I have given all my baby stuff away. I will be starting over again. On the other hand, it will be such a great joy to have a little one in this home again.. But, I don't feel pregnant yet. So, it is not quite real. I will let you know when it becomes more real to me.